Rage On Lana
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana may have anger issues.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gotten angry. Just something that ran through my tiny mind when I saw an article online. **

**Rage On Lana **

"What are you guys doing?" Lana asked as she walked into the bullpen. Pam was at a desk looking at a computer with Ray and Cheryl flanking her.

"Thinking of a way to stage an intervention for you," Cheryl remarked.

"What?" Lana asked.

"Lana we're kind of worried about you," Ray said. "You've become kind of a rage-aholic. And…"

"And we want to stop you before you murder us all," Pam interrupted.

"What?" Lana snapped. "That's ridiculous! I'm **not **a rage-aholic!"

"You are according to this list," Pam pointed. "In Worried Co-Worker Dot Com."

"Everything is online nowadays," Ray remarked.

"Face it, Lana," Cheryl said. "Your default setting is pretty much at angry and it just goes up from there. Some days I think you'll actually turn green and go all She Hulk on us."

"To be fair," Ray said. "Lana hasn't thrown anything in months. That's progress for her."

"That doesn't mean she's not a rage-aholic," Pam pointed out. "That just means with Archer not being here she doesn't have a target."

"I'm not a rage-aholic!" Lana snapped.

"Then why do you sound so angry?" Cheryl asked. Lana made a noise of frustration.

"Okay then answer these questions," Pam said. "Does every little thing set you off and you react with fury?"

They all looked at her. "Only when Archer does it!" Lana snapped. "Doesn't count!"

"Uh huh. Question Two," Pam looked at the list. "Is the only predictable thing in your life rage or getting angry over something that doesn't go your way?"

Everyone looked at Lana. "Again! Archer!" Lana snapped. "Or when you idiots do something stupid. Oh wait…"

"Question Three," Pam went on. "Are you controlling the people closest to you?"

They all looked at Lana and laughed. "Very funny…" Lana groaned. "I'm not…"

"Yeah you are," Pam laughed.

"That is so her!" Cheryl giggled.

"It really is," Ray agreed.

"Just go on with the list," Lana folded her arms.

"See what I mean?" Cheryl asked. "Can't stop giving orders."

"You really have a problem with that," Ray said.

"Just read the damn list!" Lana snapped.

"Sure, let's put a nail on this coffin," Cheryl snorted.

"Question Four," Pam added. "Do you have hidden insecurities? They could be a cover for your rage."

"I am **not** insecure!" Lana snapped.

"She said, defensively," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Question Five," Pam read the next question. "Do you have any addictions controlling your life but you use rage to cover them?"

"Well that is definitely not me," Lana said. "I'm not addicted to anything."

"What about gambling?" Ray asked.

"I haven't so much as bought a lottery ticket since AJ was born!" Lana snapped.

"Really?" Ray asked. "What about that weekend you went with Cyril to Vegas?"

"I'd say that was a gamble right there," Cheryl said.

"More for Cyril than her," Pam told her.

"I didn't gamble!" Lana told them. "I shopped. Took in the sights. Went out to dinner and went to a Boyz II Men concert."

"And what did you do **after **the concert?" Pam raised an eyebrow.

"I bet whatever it was," Ray remarked. "Cyril didn't get lucky."

"My point is that I am not addicted to **anything**," Lana said. "Except maybe shoe shopping."

"Oh please! You're addicted to **Archer!**" Cheryl told her. "Calling Captain Obvious, Line One!"

"I am not…" Lana began.

"Oh my God!" Cheryl interrupted. "Get some self-reflection for **once** in your life! Number One: You always get in fights with Archer over the stupidest things. Number Two: Even though Archer constantly fights with you and drives you crazy, you always **stay!"**

"Number Three," Ray added. "Fighting is practically foreplay with you two."

"And Number Four with a turkey baster," Cheryl added. "You stole his god damn sperm!"

"Calling Fatal Attraction!" Ray called out. "Line One!"

"That's kind of a huge red flag right there," Pam admitted.

"Huuuuuuggeee!" Cheryl agreed.

"You say you're done with Archer," Ray told her. "But then you turn around and go right back to him! You just can't quit that man!"

"It's like when Pam eats soy-based food," Cheryl said. "She knows it's bad for her. She knows it makes her face swell up like that blueberry chick from Willy Wonka. She knows she could die. But she eats it anyway!"

"Depends on what else is on the menu," Pam protested. "But yeah I have been known to do that. Two or three times. Or four or five."

"More like ten or twelve," Ray said.

"Face it Lana," Cheryl said. "You're an Archer Addict. An Archer-Holic. What do you have to say to that?"

"I say…" Lana took a deep breath. Right before she pulled out a lightsaber and activated it.

SWWWWWWWWWOOOSH!

She chopped off Cheryl's head with one fell swoop. "Told you!" Pam shouted.

Right before Lana made a bloodcurdling scream and killed her and Ray.

"What's going on now?" Cyril walked in. "What? Did Lana finally turn into the She Hulk or something?"

Lana calmly cut Cyril in half by the waist. "Aw man…" Cyril moaned before he fell apart and died.

Lana whistled as she left the bullpen. A minute later…

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Krieger ran for his life as Lana chased him around the bullpen. Then she managed to kill Krieger.

"What the hell is going on now?" Mallory walked in.

"Hey Mallory," Lana said calmly. "I finally found a use for the idiots."

"Lana!" Mallory gasped. "You made a mess in the agency!"

"Yeah we're gonna get ants," Lana prepared to attack Mallory. "Big ones."

Mallory took out her own red lightsaber. "Bring it," She growled as she took a fighting stance.

Soon they were both fighting furiously in the bullpen, destroying chairs and tables alike.

Then Archer walked in. "Jesus what a mess. We're going to get ants."

"Sterling!" Mallory stopped fighting.

"Archer! You're awake!" Lana gasped. "You're out the coma!"

"Oh yeah that," Archer shrugged. "I got out of the coma about a couple months ago. I was just pretending so I could bang some nurses. By the way Mother, you need to pay my hospital bill. And the bill for damages."

Both Mallory and Lana looked at Archer. They both struck him with their lightsabers at the same time.

"Idiot," Mallory glared at her son's corpse. "Eh, I have a granddaughter. He served his purpose. And I could always get Krieger to clone…Oh right."

"Knowing Krieger, he probably has a backup somewhere," Lana remarked. "Where were we?"

They started to fight again. They attacked each other with one savage battle cry.

WHOOOOM! WHOOM!

They both realized they cut each other in half. "So…" Mallory began. "We'll call this a draw then?" They both fell to the floor in pieces.

That was when Lana woke up from her bed. "Jesus…**Another** one of those weird dreams?"

Realization hit Lana. "I may have some issues I need to see a therapist about."

"I mean, I killed my friends with a _lightsaber?_ And not a _gun?_ What's **that **about? I'm not even a big fan of Star Wars! Weird!"

"Usually I just turn into the She Hulk and murder them all."


End file.
